Thursday, December 22, 2011

classic manic

so its like, being on a wave of emotions, always up and down, the higher you rise you know there is an eventual trough equally as deep. sometimes to prevent the fall of the wave, you stay down there long enough, and you will eventually rise, but when youre on top there is a perpetual fear of falling again

Thursday, December 8, 2011

i dont understand how i can be related to so much crazy

having a very classic bipolar sleepless night kinda episode.. some one give me meds
make soft
youre gona be like god dad or something like that.. who else is goin to enstil a distaste for society so well
Any one awake right now wana go on a drive
come on dad, gimme the car tonight,
i got this girl.. i wanna..... come on dad gimme the car
who remembers driving me home, i dont remember walking
snake bite jungle juice
remember you’re still alive, keep breathing
maybe i can eat one more plate of food before i pass out
death wishes
Love is death
Love is illogical. Or maybe that's just me
feeling god in a pool hall instead of church
i am thankful for sound and poetry and paint.. and knowing that if anything at all i have a purpose to express myself so that there can be light for others who have lived in darkness
you will soon understand what it means to go with out
you go out like rip tide
I'm sick of this perpetually empty field. I miss walking on moon dust powder fluffing up around me. I miss the infinite field. I miss your hand.
the space between you and i is rainbow spectrum
i cant believe i am here now it goes beyond my concepts of breath and death
In your head in your mouth in your soul... Had to think a while
and you could have it all, my empire of dirt
i need a guitar and a fourtrack something that makes loops. and a no-wave valley that is open to be explored
I like dreaming about lizards
inconsistent sleep patterns result in consistent mirage
seam ripping and stitching back together
I want to die and go to a certain kind of phish heaven
These oysters tasted like happy oysters

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

split divide

i felt the skin split
i did not feel any pain
i stretched the muscle tight
and pulled the tendon rigid
there was a crack that deepened and stretched wider
then i felt the tingle of my nerves
i watched the blood pool in the reservoir and then flow over
the shedding of old skin cells
forcing out new tender flesh
the chamelion skin is one of rainbow flesh
holding on to you will suffocate me
in the dawn of rebirth
there is growing pain
i have never felt this tender numbness before
these are new feelings now
this sensation is a fresh breath

Saturday, December 3, 2011

i wonder if im really suppossed to be here

it was like falling asleep into a dream. 
every time i wake up im in a different place than before.
a different time, a different person. 
and when i go to bed, i dream of this consistent reality
where nothing feels right and im not really me
i can see every life i lived before
none of them carried the hurt this life carries
what did i do to make myself forget
when will i wake up from this dream and find my niche

Saturday, November 26, 2011

the empty field

I'm sick of this perpetually empty field. 
I miss walking on moon dust powder fluffing up around me. 
I miss the infinite field. I miss your hand.
There used to be so much inbetween you and I.
The distance made me sick, 
the distractions sent my head spinning.
Now there is nothing, this is emptiness. 
This heart I have keeps beating, 
but only to perpetuate this convenience of life.
The inbetween the beat lulls longer these days.
The ghost inside of me is now more human than I am.
The weightlessness is becoming heavy. 

Saturday, November 19, 2011

too cold to feel

Ice cold rain drops soak through to my brain
ice cicle nuerons fire my synapses frozen
dripping down my face and pin needles into my eyes
my body so numb and too cold to cry
i wonder how it will feel in the end
is that when i will finally be content
at what degree does the heart muscle stop beating?
and when does it stop feeling?
when the ice age comes my in ability to feel should proove useful

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

ghostly embodied

months after you left i could smell you in my bed
see the indent on my pillow where you laid your head
these small details would induce flashbacks
of the way your skin felt touching mine
i could feel the weight of your hand on my hip once again
when will this consciousness shift begin
when will i be untrained to your familiarity like i had been

Monday, November 14, 2011

of all the realities

at the beginning there is hey, id like to get to know you
but before the evening is even close to ending we know which road youve gone down
or youve gone down on him funny how he knows how to tell you what to do
slide your hand in to the pocket of lovers and lies
see if you can pull anything out worth keeping around or even flipping for odds
heads this will last forever, tails youre taking one more for the team
the true joy of this all is that will last forever and you are taking one for the team
you make the decisions in this choose your own adventure
pg. 51 you find yourself under a bridge by some train tracks making track marks along the path of your veins until theres no life in you left to live
pg. 21 youre looking at yourself in the mirror in your five bedroom house filled full of emptiness, a heart that strains to live outside the white picket fence, and a cabinet full of pills not recommended to mix with liquor

where is the in between?
i am meditating under a tree and on either side of me are these lives i might have lived, they intertwine themselvse into the branches of this tree. there are several paths around me but only one trunk of the tree

Thursday, November 10, 2011


i want to know what happened
what went through your head
that after a week with out you
came back to me dead

kissing your lips to me
was the softest surprise
like a finger print left there
i can feel your lip stain residue

playin dress up in your room
we were treasures for ourselves
not to care for the rest of the world
what made you want to change

do you know that with out you
all there inside of me is empty
i want to hold your face again
as you braid our hair together

Friday, November 4, 2011

more on space and time

i saw the day time sky
open up to reveal
all the universe around me
i felt so small
under this great tree of life
you say its quite a shame
i havent put in my time
you say i've got an
awfully long way to go
im staring at our future
where you and i are ghosts
we are gas burning hot
we are energies of light
its almost as if
i can step out into it
the pathless road
the journey for me
has no distance
no measure i can know

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

my name is light

i can only breath and keep breathing
i can not heal the past
i can cry enough, to experience
that i am not light
i want to hold my ancestors in my arms
i want to heal them
my tears are blood
i want to shed all my life for them
those that in their life did not actively try to heal the earth
but they gave to me their blood and their genes
i want to be light
my god given name
and yet i can not shed enough
i want the pores of my skin to bleed light
and yet there is not enough to heal the earth
everything that i am
to heal
and yet i am alone in the cold darkness
this universe
will exist even with out light

Saturday, October 29, 2011

about the milky way

ive been having visions of the milky way
i am a star and you are a star and
there are stars floating all around me

i have this dream you and i are floating in our destiny
all around me is dark except for the light eminating from you
and i can bath in this warmth and it reminds me of when i had a body
and you could use your arms to wrap around me

the veil has been so lucid and thin
i thought i was loosing my reality
but i am beginning to transcend
and thats only my mind letting go of my body

patchwork lace and braids

my mind ripped like that lace lattice coming undone
but you braided my hair back together there
so im holding it together even though the pieces
shattered out like glitter stardust in the milky way

the end beginning

im trying to describe this gentle lulling loss of my sanity, as it drifts farther from my reach.
some days it becomes real clear. that reality is inside out.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

this might be my difficult poem

one time i had this dream that we were all in olympia, it was a giant street fair, we were downtown (i was double fisting forties), and you were there and you were there. but we all had our instruments, drums and strings, or markers, or spray cans. and the cops gave us high fives, instead of "move along now"s ... and instead of spare change i just traded you for what i had for what you had, coincedently it all worked out.

Monday, October 24, 2011

and there was a gentle hum to settle the curve of the vibration

i watched the moon rise at three am
i want to look up at the stars
while laying on the grass next to you
i see our future lives in the milky way
you overwhelmed the emptiness in my heart
you make me want to save myself
so that there is more i could give to you
you gave me gifts from our goddess earth
sometimes i feel like i could ask for nothing
maybe i just dont know how to say i want
more time with you by my side
more time your arms around me
holding me close to your heart
i feel like ive known you forever
still you are so strange and new to me

Thursday, October 6, 2011

im not here any more

can't you see me cry
this is the only way i can intentionalize what i feel
i am the apothacary's wet dream, knumb, pleading for cessation
i prayed for life, and i then prayed for death
and prayed for life again, years beyond this
i prayed for new consciousness
in the spiral, vortex, depth of the cave
you presented to me plato's dream of consciousness
i saw the images on the wall

I am losing my grasp on reality
so all these consiousness studies leave me helpless
I dream constantly of letting go
the inbetween in which you see me.
My life admist sentence. You dreamt me unconsiously.
I am floating in a cloud of destiny
And thats when you look at me.

I cannot reminisce memories with you
they are all pain, free from bliss
ascued by your new perception of me.
It seems I may have never known love.

The apothacary's pillow is a gentel terrain
to lay my conscious brain
my brain of mush, the perfect subterranean
terrain to plant a seed of conceptive knowledge
my unconscious the plot in which the seed grows.
Under a tree I laid my head and an
unconscious dream sprouted the inbetween
of lack of reality, the split dream of you
interracting with me.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

flood plains

you are still looking at me, like we are very common to each other
you ask me to do for you, those common things i do for those i care for
i tried once to give you everything and you would refuse to take it
i try now not for you, but for some other star in the nights sky
to me, it shines just a brightly as you once shined in my eyes
i do not know this star the way i knew you, for it to push me away
i am full to the brim of all the mistakes i have made
flooded over even the plain of my heart that was filled with love for you

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Sunday, August 28, 2011

night and day with out you

the wind blew a spec of sand into my eye
and i cryed
i had lost my clear sight
the wind blew you too far away from me
and i cryed
i had lost a piece of my heart

i could not see my future with out you
in my dreams you were still there by my side
my hand still cradled by your hand

there was a dream were snow was falling all around us
as we made love upon a mountain top of great height
i knew that we were safe together
even as the snow piled around me
even as it froze my body
my heart was still with content

i woke up and in reality my heart was bleeding for some peace
it beat a discontent rattle
poison coarsed through it
and you hands were in your pocket
and mine were held alone

i dreamt that id die in your arms
i also dreamt that you left me for her
and told me to never think of you again

each morning i wake up and you are on my mind
i can hypnotize myself to think the other way
because this is torture in both reality and my dreams
in reality i can take the pain away for a short while
but in my dreams i feel 1000 years of every feeling

Saturday, August 27, 2011

to a freedom i cannot know

shake me from my stillness
i prayed for you
i prayed for a more open heart
and here i am. closing it off.
i prayed to be awakened to a different point of view
i broke everything i made to humble me
i took in my hand the seed of life
and threw it into my acid heart
burned its flesh till it became a part of me
i took from you some dream
that we could be together
and i covered it with poison
i drank the liquid left over from it
i would like to have died at that moment
but i kept living
in this pain of poison in my own heart
in this life i keep dying and i do not experience a freedom from it
when will my soul float free
when can i temper disease that is me

Friday, August 19, 2011

what does love have to do with it?

what is love? but a second hand emotion?

I remember being young and ignorrantly dumb when I decided to leave Corey for.... ?... not sure what for. For a feeling that if I could know a love so great with him at my young age, that surely I would know a love even greater. At that age you think you can contain in your brain a truly vast amount of knowledge. However, as your consciousness grows, that vessel grows infinately greater. The kinds of love I have known since Corey have been infinately greater and worse. The worse have made me forget myself, and give up on truly identifying moments in my life for some facade of their own dreams. These are insignifigant, because they are in the shadow of what truly wonderful loves I have known. Ones that teach me things about myself, things I had forgot or lost along my singular path. Ones whose paths have lay next to mine through out our journeys together. They have taught me things I did not know about the world because they can share their visions with me. They have also let me show them my visions, a comfort when such sights can be so binding. They have reminded me and led me along a path that may always be singular in nature. To trasnscend means to not give yourself to one other person. I will have to be a gift shared with all, so if one person does get my heart, the gift he will possess may be too great to bear.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

ix sei haan

may i breath openly into your consciousness
where is the dream that gives me another path way
am i to know with out you and with you in the same life
can i tell you i love you and so i must destroy
all of it
i could love you so completely but i could not forget myself
my heart remains singularly twined into itself
the knots pulled so tight
but when i close my eyes i see you looking back at me
that vision is still engrained to my memory
you stretched my dreams into an eternity i could see with in one horizon
i can see on this plain my future self and my past self
i can see where you have touched my heart
and i can see where you have let go
i cannot see beyond this

Thursday, August 4, 2011

the thorn in my paw

the thorn in my paw
it bleeds pain
with out bleeding me
i am tied to a tree
for wolves i wait
under half lit moon sky
scare up a mess of birds in my heart
flocking a pitter patter

Sunday, July 17, 2011

poetic ponders

you gave me breath
and when i took it in
you gave me a thousand
vision of what could have been
for our future selves

im trying to work out this poem that explains how i feel as a young woman witch. i want to explain falling in love and feeling it is the meant to be and not knowing if its love or just a spell your mind created. this will be a poem about mastery through loss of control.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Dear Eliot Lipp (revised)

Thank you for playing Re:generation. That sure was a blast! I got to hoop to most all of your set. I'm sure that was as weird for you as it was for me! I'm entirely grateful to get to be alive in the universe right now, with you producing beats for me to move to. What a wonderful world it is indeed!
Alrighty, now when is the next super party?

Sunday, June 19, 2011

dear eliot lipp

oh how many times i thought itd be cool to see you spin live, or play one of your tunes for me. i dont know anymore. im not that into live shows. im pretty bored these days. i was gona try and see you at hornings with beats antique and the necatar of bass and etc. but im not that into trying. youre amazing. i hope you keep making tunes that inspire me day in and day out

Saturday, June 18, 2011

the transcendental truth

i spent all of last month listening to the phish cds you left me, in my art studio making things to show the world how much i loved it. now that that's all over i am left feeling helpless. where else am i suppossed to go from here. i seem to be alone all the time. and thats ok, when im around too many people i begin to crave days like this. the hours and the sun shine drag on. the insomnia although full of rest is fruitless. my skin is crawling and i know thats just the psychosis. just the way it feels to be a vast nothingness.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

looking for directions?

artemis held a steady breath
point to point
arrow aimed
if i shoot remember not
to breath

your exhale may direct
my arrows course
from its natural
inclination upon the earth

everybody is vearing
id like to stay the course

even when we tread high waters
or grass or snow fields
the thickest swamp mud

i will hit my aim intended mark

you left a beautiful scar on my
how it felt to feel again
with this lame planet extending
past me
with this lame heart
still beating inside of me

Thursday, June 9, 2011

onto the next chapter

there is a space in between you and me
the space is as big as the USA
there has been this lull in your affection
im so tired of screaming inside
i have a blues song that echos in and out of my ears
sung by this earth of mine as it cries
i wont be following, youve walked too far away

Monday, June 6, 2011

the moon has a hazey glow tonight

im taking a derive through out all your public parks
after DUSK
I want you to know that i have been drinking from glass containers
and took the liberty to smoke a bowl
here and ther through out your moon light, providing the only
light I can see, tree top canopy
I want to perpetually walk you home.
but I walk home alone no matter the day,
till the day i've walked all the eath till the day I die
I keep saying I want to sleep open air in
these woods but I'm so distracted by my insomnia that is worse out here.
I guess what Im saying is that i'd like to be unconsious next to you.
beca use your heart is what lulls me to sleep.
there is a slave here.
i am alone all the time, even though youre by myside.
i have anxiety over being here
being here on this earth during this time
everything in between yall
at a party looking at yall
bruises on my hands and wrists and ventricals and knees for how I fell for you
Im at odds and ends with you
holding onto things I have to do
I'd like to teleport when you call
I was looking for a way to burn out brightly
27 go to heaven
I need you naked in a forest with the wolf skull in your hands
the sun threads will fractal out in front of your face
weaving visions out of my mind and into the sky
oh dandelion, dandelion
i like to walk the sidewalks because
i feel like there is still a space in between me and whats around me
I like touching the leaves while im walking
It makes me feel like there will be growth outside beyond me

Friday, June 3, 2011

by the side of the road

you tell me ive got an awful long way to go
well look at you babe, you havent even hit the road
my feet face forward always ready for on the lamb
the poet inside of me wants to be able to scream
this road wants to be hitched, i just cant get up and go
ive been standing here waiting for you
thinking of all the places i could be
waiting for the "every thing you need, you have with in you"
just one more time to know what she said will hold true
before i pick up my heals and kick up the dirt

Friday, May 20, 2011

the way you move me

youre holding me by my hip
you dictate language to me
you direct the way i move for you
when you offer me your hand
the best laid path is set before me
because im walking next to you
in my heart i feel this pull
in cooridination with your push

Thursday, May 19, 2011


This is an excellent time to study the cosmos if you acted on principles the cosmos is actively encouraging you to to be a little extra selfish and
eager to bend the world to meet your needs it's crucial that you do this politely and graciously.
it's a great time to stick out further in harmonious alingment with the astrological omens its a high time to work creatively and
appreciatively with what nature has given you
not try to force it to accommodate some soulless desire.

-Appropriated text taken from Free Will Astrology by Rob Brezny, The Stranger, Week of March 30th 2011

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

do i own my body?

i could contain in my brain
my ownership over my own body
but i do not even own my brain
at this point in my life
muscle memory is a more consistent truth
at this point in my life
if i owned my own body would i still feel alone,
cold pain, that will not cease
i am alone staring at the ghost in the wall
drifting in between a memory and history
listening to the strain in my heart beat
i do not have a way of being free, with out constraint
i dont have much outside myself that makes me complete
ten minutes on a wall, is like ten minutes with out heroin
thank god i've already gone through with drawl
give me freedom
or give me death...
but right now, alone, i'd rather die.
i can't pretend enough
but right now, i'd rather be alone
than to know the emptiness in my heart with out you.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

translucid historical dreaming

my dream catcher draped over my mind
like a dewy webbed blanket covering my consciousness
wrapping around my being protectively
seperating me from a voided space in between
i am going to walk the city underneath my conscious memory
remember the history in this space before me

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Pizza T vs. Charlies Sheen

I got to record this vid @ the Olympia Artesian Free Well
I LOVE Olympia and the PTZKE!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

hot chip - on life stand

Tell me where you’ve been to
Nowhere that you shouldn’t do
Tell me what you’re good for
I can tell you something too
Where have you been staying?
Tell me what you’re playing
Hope it’s not my conscience
But it keeps complaining

Didn’t meet you in an alley
The cats they weren’t complaining
I met you in the daylight
Our visions misbehaving
I offer you my temper
With the hope that you would tame me
We built ourselves a shelter
You will always be my baby

Feeling, keep on feeling, keep on feeling

I only wanna be your one life stand (Keep on feeling)
Tell me do you stand by your man? (Keep on feeling)
I only wanna be your one life stand (Keep on feeling)
Tell me do you stand by your man? (Keep on feeling)

Wishes keep remaining
Nothing worth containing
A balloon with air is escaping
Is nothing but a plaything
Moments keep us guessing
And lead us from temptation
But better to embrace them
And measure our elation

I only wanna be your one life stand (Keep on feeling)
Tell me do you stand by your man? (Keep on feeling)
I only wanna be your one life stand (Keep on feeling)
Tell me do you stand by your man? (Keep on feeling)
(Could this be, could this be?)
I only wanna be your one life stand (Keep on feeling)
(Could this be, could this be?)
Tell me do you stand by your man? (Keep on feeling)
(Could this be, could this be?)
I only wanna be your one life stand (Keep on feeling)
(Could this be, could this be?)
Tell me do you stand by your man? (Keep on feeling)

Monday, March 7, 2011

why are you always so serious?

and when can i be something you consider just as seriously?
i like kissing you in the rain when you walk me home at night
but i want to kiss you in the summer sunshine just as bad
i am looking at you through a pinhole trying to capture you
but really i want to be holding your hand in my hand

Thursday, March 3, 2011

surreal blindspots, kisses in the dark, strange distance, cold nights

there are these spots in my vision
they fade in and out, i may be losing my sight

the way you hold the sky in your hands
makes you look like more of a man
what are you thinking when youre looking at me

theres a breath in between
the sky and the seam of the earth
but everything else in the world
has lost a sense of worth

freezing toes, alone in the snow
kissing snow flakes on my lips turned to blue
lost in the forest of nothing with out you
turning around in my head just to be here again
funny how hypothermia hallucinations look just like you

Saturday, February 26, 2011

my heart pulled apart

there is a death inside of me
it takes me deep into the waves
the surf and the storm and the surge
makes it hard for me to see
bearing navigation becomes irrelevent
because my own love has drown me
im pulling my heart apart in pieces
hoping you wont toss me aside
and the salt water burns
my eyes and my throat
there is no land for a heart so lost
just deeper currents to swim

Saturday, February 19, 2011

some small poems on loving you

i am the roots and the tree,
you are the air and the wind,
holding my branches rooted to the sun
as i hold you to the earth.
i listen to the vibrations of the curve,
you look like radial sunshine and
to kiss you is like kissing open up the universe.


hold my heart, open in your hands
take me apart, then youll understand
this is more than just in my blood
it's in my flesh and in my nerves
it's salt water mist, wind blown to your hair
while your standing on the sand at the shore

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

already know the stories of my life

grateful dead - high time

You told me goodbye, how was I to know
you didn't mean goodbye, you meant please don't let me go?

I was having a high time, living the good life, well I know

The wheels are muddy, got a ton of hay,
now listen here, Baby, 'cause I mean what I say.

I'm having a hard time, living the good life, well I know.

I was losing time, I had nothing to do,
no one to fight, I came to you.
Wheels broke down, leader won't draw,
the line is busted, the last one I saw.
Tomorrow come trouble, tomorrow come pain,
now don't think too hard Baby, 'cause I know what I'm saying.

I could show you a high time, living the good life, don't be that way.

Nothing's for certain, it could always go wrong,

We could have us a high time, living the good life, well I know.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

on our paths

we were on a star stretched plain
you were running far ahead of me
i was walking so simply
you twist around and yell at me
how did we get this far
i return your call, look how far we've come
you take one small step in my direction
and suddenly you fly towards me
wrap your arms around
you say look how far we've come together

Thursday, February 10, 2011

royksopp - what else is there

It was me on that road
But you couldn't see me
Too many lights out, but nowhere near here

It was me on that road
Still you couldn't see me
And then flashlights and explosions

Roads end getting nearer
We cover distance but not together

I am the storm I am the wonder
And the flashlights nightmares
And sudden explosions

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

It's about you and the sun
A morning run
The story of my maker
What I have and what I ache for

I've got a golden ear
I cut and I spear
And what else is there

Roads and getting nearer
We cover distance still not together

If I am the storm if I am the wonder
Will I have a flashlights nightmares
And sudden explosions

There's no room where I can go and
You've got secrets too

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

the devil is just another way for christians to kill off other's culture

living in the universe knowing you exist

I felt star crossed
like a plot on a line
set on a distant path
my heart set on fire
self-immolating gas
to see light years
after I have left space

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

a little bit of a story

there was a rose sitting in the window sill,
it dried a little each day in the sun,
the smooth petals fastened into wrinkles,
like skin on your face with the summer sun,
the wrinkles are lines becoming roads on a map,
to trace back each step we took,
so that when we have come far away from where we began,
we can be confident where we stand
looking around at all we can grasp in our hands

a letter to travis kerschen of a thousand cranes

maybe you can pretend to be my therapist and i can tell you what i've been going through as of late.
its really wild shit, like your music. its amazing to listen to it, its like a meditation. most art is i believe. im not good at quiet meditation. i stopped doing heroin this year. it was my resolution and probably the only one in my life i will successfully stick too. i quit doing coke because it became inconvenient. heroin however i only quit because i came to quite a desperate time in my life. i couldnt see myself go on living the way i was living. i was watching myself outside of myself and i realized i could never get back to myself unless i made that change. i started getting sober in november, relapsed a few times, but havent used since jan 3. ive never experienced anything like that with anything ive ever done. i would have a lot of people tell me there were toxins built up in my body. it was the reason for such and such. they never would say to my face they knew i was using but i knew they knew. on january first a friend told me i was healer and that was the reason i had come into her life. thats what solidified it for me. i knew she was right, i also knew there was no way possible i could do anything to heal anything outside of myself, until i had done a thorough healing of myself. i am still in that process. there are lots of things i am doing to cleanse my body. im trying some meditations ive never tried before. im learning about herbal medicine. im going to do some raw fooding etc. i am not a whole and complete person by any means. i can only imagine my spirit is full of blank spots in which i have been slowly creating through all my self destructive behaviours. maybe you can reikei (sp?) me from a distance? i think about all the healers i know in my life, all of my shamans. that is how i know my friend must be right. I have been paying at least some attention to what is going on around me. it overwhelmes me how these people come into my world and I fall in love with the beauty of it. like i know i cant heal, i also know i cant love with out a whole being to love with. i recently met a person that i was overwhelmed by, and i opened myself up honestly. i told him a few things about my past and at that moment he didnt think anything of it. two weeks of silence go by and he just now gets back to me with, "i cant risk any of it right now, i cant be in a relationship with another junkie, i cant be anything more than friends". i feel stupid for being so honest with a person. i know his feelings are completely valid and i wish i could have been some one different because i feel like i will be suffering from my past for a very long time. im really scare it might be forever.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


JESUS CHRIST IT'S HIPPIES. Hippies and former Vikings head coach Brad Childress.

Read more:

i've been carrying this around in my pocket constantly, now i know why

Quartz, Fairy (White Fairy Quartz)
Fairy Quartz is a fledgling Spirit Quartz, showing the milky white lazer wand point and a light coating of smaller crystals growing on it. Fairy Quartz has a very soothing energy, which brings peace and calm to those in its energy field, including the groups, families, and individuals. This soothing energy is extremely beneficial for emotional pain or illness. It also brings heightened energy even as it calms. Fairy Quartz is great for meditation. Physically, Fairy Quartz is used for detoxifying the body and tissues, removing pain, and overall healing.
This crystal can be used in meditation to provide insights to family and/or community problems. It has also been used to activate and cleans other minerals, enhance the energy transfer of other minerals to stimulate healing on all levels, increase both physical and intellectual fertility, provide protection from harm, dreaming and astral projection.
I believe this is most likely my wand.

edit - i lost this little rock. i think i had filled it to the brim with my sickness and as most necessary things, the world carried it away from me. i am sorry i lost something, but i am not sorry i lost the sickness with it.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

so thats what they were talking about

the rapture - the coming of spring

Get yourself together!
Get out of your head
Without outer persuasions
You're better off dead
Learn how to breathe
You'd better learn how to shine
These obser-ma-vations
Are mah-ma-ma, mah-ma-ma,

Down on your knees
Pleading for life
Shards of a mirror
And twist of a knife
So get yourself together
Unwrapped ball of twine
These obser-ma-vations
are mah-ma-ma, mah-ma-ma,

(one heart) No, nah-no
(one heart) No, nah-no
(one heart) No, nah-no
(one heart) No, nah-no

Thursday, February 3, 2011

That seemed natural.

I’ve never been good at writing about the past. I’m focusing on living in the present, and forgetting the bad memories seems to be vital to this process. It’s impossible though, to go on living as though something never happened. You ignore it long enough, until one day all of a sudden, reality overwhelms you. To persevere you confront your past self, face to face. The first time was after high school graduation. The impending decision of college and hypothetically, the rest of my life. As it turns out, I made the wrong choice and was in this situation over and over again.

Some people don’t face it. They just dance right by. They’re just listening to the rhythm, they’re not counting it, nor are they in time. It’s close, but not like fluid love.

It was another hot, South Texas Fourth of July. I was going to be attending a small local Catholic University the next fall. A musical friend from the Houston rave scene had invited me to a barbeque at his house in the Heights. It was my first real time spent in the Houston Heights, a neighborhood just north of down town past the first inner loop. I didn’t realize how close I would come to know this little creative cradle in the city.

I walked into the front door of John Dunnock’s fourth ward home and the house was empty with the exception of noise drifting in from the back door through the kitchen. The living room was filled with musical instruments from a full five piece band. Alone on the arm of a couch across from the rest of the set was tambourine meant to be added to cymbal stand of a drum kit. I heard some laughter from outside, which gave me a twinge of anxiety and I put that tambourine away in my car. I’m not a big kleptomaniac but I felt I it would be safe for future use. Most barbeques gave me anxiety, but at John’s we could play whatever records we wanted and there were vegan patties with Swiss burgers and barbeque sauce. That burger was a staple in my life.
It’s hard to say when I invited Motion Turns It On, the house band, back to my car for a bowl. I noticed Derrick looked like the person to smoke with. He asked if his friends could come, gathered up Little John, Steve and Bill, who shared a birthday with me. I felt I had just met the most real people at this barbeque filled with faces I had always seen but never known.

We got to talking about music when we were in my green SUV, passing a pipe. When they said they were all in a band together and had just played at Dunnock’s house, that’s when I realized the tambourine I had grabbed belonged to one of them. I pulled out the tambourine and said that it needed a friend. Steve, the bands drummer said that I could keep it, as long as I play it in their band for them. That seemed natural.

Throughout the next year I would meet them on the first floor, in room seven, of the Francisco Lofts just east of down town Houston in the industrial warehouse district.

I was familiar with this space, since I had been coming to this crevice of the city as a teen exploring the rave era. A friend had once thrown a party on the fourth floor, most of it was an art party for the artists there to show off their art. I saw Rebecca French and her dance company, Freneticore, perform. I went to an audition with Freneticore and joined the dance company for two years. It took me a while to determine which practice space was seven. But out of the maze of studios, two were filled with sound, and one with Motion Turns It On.

I memorized that door as a position in a star filled constellation that my heart kept as a safe space to always return to. I tried singing for them and I tried playing the piano for them. I couldn’t find that my melody fit with them. I was most receptive to Steve teaching me how to play the drums. I was a rhythm specialist with all my days spent dancing and counting music. I tried to bring my poetry to practice one day, but Little John was the only one who could read the rhythm in my verses and he was the one I felt confidence with I needed to share these feelings with out loud. I asked him to let me practice drums for him on guitar. He had some things he wanted to play that he couldn’t get out in MTIO and I had some things I needed to say but I didn’t know how.

I don’t like reading to people, I wasn’t comfortable, but I had to keep speaking. John put me in front of the drums and had me keep simple rhythms while he worked out his mind via the guitar. Sometimes he would compliment me so well, telling me the thing I just got out of my head was “just right,” and then “play it again, only faster and over and over again”. I know of making one recording on a simple four-track cassette recorder at the Leeland house late one night. I was impressed we had ever gotten something down as a finished song. Because of that recording, it’s the song we both can still remember how to play. It was my first real lesson in the importance of putting down your material for future reference, a tool I still don’t utilize as often as I should. Mostly, we specialized in incoherent screams and tribal grunge rock. We were often referred to Bauhaus for some reason I’m not sure, I don’t listen to them.

I was obsessed with The Vaselines, The Pixies, and The Flaming Lips at the time. All this was influenced by Little John. Every time I would mess up, John would tell me the right words to get it going again. Everything made sense. I had moved into the Leeland house, which was the cause of the unfortunate disappearance of my most prized kitten Shade. Every night we spent at the practice space or at that house, was like a 90’s music video to me, just ten years too late.

I know we did ok as a band because when we played upstairs in Rudyard’s Pub no one walked out in the middle of our set. I wore a fringed out disco wedding dress I had borrowed from Kelly Smelly and my authentic silver blue sky, Doc Martens. We had invited our friend Justin to help us with the crash cymbal to help keep me focused on the vocals and my anxiety low. When we finished I ran off stage and hid behind a stack and John played one final last song solo. The audience clapped and cheered after every song. There’s nothing like screaming your feelings out loud. There was nothing comparable after that. In fact, I experienced a long void of creativity. I felt all my means were incomparable to what I needed to express. The last show we played together was at Dean’s Home of Easy Credit on Main street in down town Houston. We were almost in a wreck on the way to the show when some one ran a red light. That night threw me and I didn’t feel comfortable playing again.

John and I had also spent lots of time apart before that set. I had just gotten out of the detrimental relationship with Shane also marking the beginning of my sobriety from cocaine. This was a new state of mind and marked the impending move to Washington, to explore life in a different view. Sometimes everything is dancing all around you. The people, the music, the lights, you go out in time for the street lights to come on and refuse to return home till they’ve gone off again. It’s the motivation to stay awake at night, and sleep during hot southern heat.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Keep the Streets Empty For Me

memory comes when memory's old
i am never the first to know
following this stream up north
where do people like us float?

there is room in my lap
for bruises, asses, handclaps
i will never disappear
for forever, i'll be here

morning keep the streets empty for me
morning keep the streets empty for me

i learned to not eat the snow
my fur is hot, my tongue is cold
on a bed of spider web
i think about to change myself

a lot of hope in one man tent
there's no room for innocence
so take me home before the storm
velvet mites will keep us warm

morning keep the streets empty for me
morning keep the streets empty for me

morning keep the streets empty for me
morning keep the streets empty for me

uncover our heads and reveal our souls
we were hungry before we were born

Saturday, January 29, 2011

ooops, i appear to have stepped into a star puddle

it kinda falls apart at the end
but here::

there is a star in the sky
with a twinkle, catches my drifting eye
there is no rain tonight
the moon shines high
focusing light through pine needle leaves
sewing in and out the tides
pulling my heart strings tight
there is a star in your eyes
it speaks to the surprise
all my ever changing fears
a calm and steady beat that breaths
in and about pine needle leaves
a rhythm breathing midnight into the air
holding on a pedistal the star in your eye
when it twinkles back to me

*Eleanor Josephine

its my more enlightened being friends

which oh my, im meeting so many
miraculous beautifuls, it overwhelmes
how much i want to be with people
rather than high on drugs

Friday, January 28, 2011

Spiritualized - Anyway That You Want Me

If its love that you want
Baby you got it
From the depth of my soul
Baby you got it
Ive been watching you
Am I loving you in vain
Girl theres no need to explain
Anyway that you want me
Anyway that youll take me
Anyway that youll make me feel a part of you
Anyway at all

If theres dreams in your heart
Theyll last forever
From the depth of my soul
Ill make them come true
Ive been watching you
Am I loving you in vain
Girl theres no need to explain

Anyway that you want me
Anyway that youll take me
Anyway that youll make me feel a part of you
Anyway at all

Thursday, January 27, 2011

the lesser animals are the only ones who truly see our wold for what it is...

if you were walking a tight rope in between heaven and hell would you spare a feeling to continue and not try to fall?

only makes sense in moonlight

there is a star in the sky
with a twinkle, catches my drifting eye
there is no rain tonight
the moon shines high
focusing light through pine needle leaves
sewing in and out the tides
pulling my heart strings tight
there is a star in your eyes
it speaks to the surprise
all my ever changing fears
a calm and steady beat that breaths
in and about pine needle leaves
a rhythm breathing midnight into the air
holding on a pedistal the star in your eye
when it twinkles back to me

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

where am i in all of this?

its almost a month into 2011. the best year yet. i am full to the brim. i feel like the painting on my wall of a bucket with the bottom dropping out, so full with water over flowing. im at a new chapter in my life. i am independantly free and thinking from all of the substances that held me down for years before. i remember feeling the anxiety of needed the release. and to my surprise i do not have that same anxiety. my heart is calm, not wanting to race. my mind is appeased and full of a brand new appetite. my paintbrush, like a chamelion, changing color from setting scene. i cant even describe all the images in my mind. i cant find the words and painting only seems a fitting way to show my visions. that and drums. i want to play and dance and sing, oh the joyful song of discovery and rediscovery and independant wealth. not the wealth of money but wealth of love and vision.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

you are like a tree for me

oh how i grow, how i grow
wrapped in your roots like arms
under your leaves and shade
never have i felt so strong
than with my hands in your hands
holding up my heart

Thursday, January 13, 2011

i dont know what's wrong with me

i dont feel like i can relate right now
i want a perfect collaboration
i miss the good ol "scum" dayz
i want some one to know what im thinking
and say it for me
i want to be able to understand some one's feelings

Sunday, January 9, 2011

strange days

my biggest fear is that i cannot save the planet
i dont know what that means
but i dont want to see the end.
of any thing good
it will slip through my fingers like sand
the expected unexpected will catch up with me
and the silence that comes next
i can only hope nature persists