Friday, February 22, 2013

First Study Abroud

I have such an immense amount of fear associated with this love. To me its all theory. No practice on which to base a reality.
I am leaving america for the first time. I woul really like to find a way to never come back. I dont see the future for me here. I see my heart sinking more. I dont see eternity. That, that is off in space. 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013


my heart is fucking somewhere fucking else

i didn't think i would fall so quickly in love with some one else

this felt so easy, like slipping on old shoe

but its so fucking frustrating, because there is nothing tangeable here
only an idea
an idea of love and a memory
it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach

it makes my heart hurt
and my head hurts too

maybe none of this is suppossed to happen the way i would want it to.

Monday, February 4, 2013

dreams with the dalai llama

You're pulling on my heart strings the last dalai llama once said. In my next life I will just work on cars, be a mechanic. His spirit was sent so far away from him.
My heart, I said, I feel this tiny tinge of a pull. In my next life I would like to be free, like an American. But now I'm in America and my spirit wants to go back to Nepal, where I was absolutely free, where I could breath.

new oblivion appocolypse

funny how you stop writing when you are in unhappy relationships...unrelated to the following note...

when you are living several years with a person who is dying, literally, not just growing old, you start to expect and rationalize that moment when things will change. how many hospital visits does it require before you are numb to the thought of death? how many years of walking that line before you no longer see the difference in the shade versus in the sun?

i have never been given a life sentence. my eta of transition has always been in the hands of an untold future. i have always felt it is a better choice, to not make those choices for myself or other people. For the past six years or so I have been living with my Grandmother, who I believe was only happily alive for two of those years. She has recently been transitioned into a skilled nursing center. Now, six months into that, she was denied her final surgery, a last hope to give her some retrieval of freedom. She was actually recommended for hospice care. So at last, something I have been bringing myself to face for years now is finally being confirmed.  At first, I didn't even believe the fus of every visit to the hospital. My Grandmother knew she was dying. She would have fits of panic over this. I don't believe she ever accepted the truth of her own mortality. All her efforts to have this surgery were just an attempt at bionic life, free from the pain she was experiencing, saved by science. But she is dying, and it is coming sooner. I can't help but hate the part of myself that delt with this years ago. The part of me that knows everyone's place is temporary. There is a part of me that wishes she could live forever, if only for her own content. But at some point, wouldn't she also be unhappy with that, as is her nature?