Wednesday, February 9, 2011

a letter to travis kerschen of a thousand cranes

maybe you can pretend to be my therapist and i can tell you what i've been going through as of late.
its really wild shit, like your music. its amazing to listen to it, its like a meditation. most art is i believe. im not good at quiet meditation. i stopped doing heroin this year. it was my resolution and probably the only one in my life i will successfully stick too. i quit doing coke because it became inconvenient. heroin however i only quit because i came to quite a desperate time in my life. i couldnt see myself go on living the way i was living. i was watching myself outside of myself and i realized i could never get back to myself unless i made that change. i started getting sober in november, relapsed a few times, but havent used since jan 3. ive never experienced anything like that with anything ive ever done. i would have a lot of people tell me there were toxins built up in my body. it was the reason for such and such. they never would say to my face they knew i was using but i knew they knew. on january first a friend told me i was healer and that was the reason i had come into her life. thats what solidified it for me. i knew she was right, i also knew there was no way possible i could do anything to heal anything outside of myself, until i had done a thorough healing of myself. i am still in that process. there are lots of things i am doing to cleanse my body. im trying some meditations ive never tried before. im learning about herbal medicine. im going to do some raw fooding etc. i am not a whole and complete person by any means. i can only imagine my spirit is full of blank spots in which i have been slowly creating through all my self destructive behaviours. maybe you can reikei (sp?) me from a distance? i think about all the healers i know in my life, all of my shamans. that is how i know my friend must be right. I have been paying at least some attention to what is going on around me. it overwhelmes me how these people come into my world and I fall in love with the beauty of it. like i know i cant heal, i also know i cant love with out a whole being to love with. i recently met a person that i was overwhelmed by, and i opened myself up honestly. i told him a few things about my past and at that moment he didnt think anything of it. two weeks of silence go by and he just now gets back to me with, "i cant risk any of it right now, i cant be in a relationship with another junkie, i cant be anything more than friends". i feel stupid for being so honest with a person. i know his feelings are completely valid and i wish i could have been some one different because i feel like i will be suffering from my past for a very long time. im really scare it might be forever.

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