Friday, December 27, 2013

this again

i wake up dope sick from your affection
i dont know how to put it into words how you leave me feeling
everytime i see you, i think it may be the last, ive never felt that way before with someone
it makes me feel hopeless

loving some one from afar is increadibly masochistically satisfying
i wish i could understand this better

Sunday, December 1, 2013

turning it over in my mind again

could i have your heart
could i have your hand
just for a little while
while this sun sets
and these leaves turn
quick before the frost sets in
before the flora falls to the dirt
decomposes and mushrooms consume
before my energy is
inconsumable by your hand
you could pick me up then
put me in your mouth
you can have my gills and spores
and my mind trip too
my hands will have slipped away
just like the melodies
my heart hummed to you
can you dip your vibration into mine
put a current in my rhythm
let my high tides rise to you

pleasing the eye

i get picky about the little things in my art. little things like angles. and whether or not they are pleasing to me (as if one can derive pleasure from an angle). the most vexing thing to me is a triangle. its grace, and perfection. its appeal, the golden ratio. all of it, keeps me awake at night as to how i can solve these and other problems of slope and rise. colors pallates not so much. these solutions come more naturally to me. its instinct and intuition. where as the angles i am so more inclined to allow them to fall into fates hands. but maybe i can control it?

loving you from afar

lately, my visions have been about interdimensional travel with you. the nightmares are just physical material paranoias based on this plane of existence. they don't count for our lives in the past together. they seem to be more about how we are growing past this life together. i feel as though when we communicate clearly we make leaps and bounds and all the space in between is like the blissfull sunrise on a jamaican beach. not because of you, but with you my personal growth is immense. the mirror is there for my love to be reflected. i think it is becoming all to clear to me that my ascension is only possible when everyone else can also make it. the more minds we free, the freeer we shall be. after all we are collective consciousness. you and i are just a seed. one light on the grid. but as we ignite other lights around us do too!

Monday, November 11, 2013

get inspired~!!!

i had such a great time at envision festival last year! i am definately going back! ticket information here

Thursday, October 3, 2013

i want to go out dancing...

were is the nearest discoteque? i need the rhythm of my heart to be overpowered by the rhythm of the bass lines. i think it will stop beating with out a speaker near it. i think i can dance my feet off tonight and sweat. i want to close my eyes and see colors from the lights on my lids.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

all the parts make some sort of a whole

a part of me is so happy with the little things. a part of me wants to make endless sacrifices for love and art. a part of me has bigger ambitions than my pants can fit. a part of me dreams about bursting through clouds opening up to dance in the stars, although i can't say i know this experience in reality, i feel i will know it. a part of me would like so much to get caught up in the simplicity of love. but there's a part of me that sees past that. a part of me sees how nice things are and wants to still let go.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

what light does in dark caves

deep into the cave the light did creep and in those depths a crystal gleamed

Monday, March 11, 2013

space waterfall

hold my hand babe. lets jump in
i know its cold, out here on your own
but don't let go, im coming home
to where my heart is. please don't go
i thought i'd already crossed this road
lookin at you through the stars
life is good here on mars
but i'd like to get back to my heart
why do you keep it so far
two steps forward and im already lookin back
its so cold out here in space
im trying to keep up my faith
love should be like a waterfall
overflowing into a pool
collected for every one to swim in

Friday, February 22, 2013

First Study Abroud

I have such an immense amount of fear associated with this love. To me its all theory. No practice on which to base a reality.
I am leaving america for the first time. I woul really like to find a way to never come back. I dont see the future for me here. I see my heart sinking more. I dont see eternity. That, that is off in space. 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013


my heart is fucking somewhere fucking else

i didn't think i would fall so quickly in love with some one else

this felt so easy, like slipping on old shoe

but its so fucking frustrating, because there is nothing tangeable here
only an idea
an idea of love and a memory
it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach

it makes my heart hurt
and my head hurts too

maybe none of this is suppossed to happen the way i would want it to.

Monday, February 4, 2013

dreams with the dalai llama

You're pulling on my heart strings the last dalai llama once said. In my next life I will just work on cars, be a mechanic. His spirit was sent so far away from him.
My heart, I said, I feel this tiny tinge of a pull. In my next life I would like to be free, like an American. But now I'm in America and my spirit wants to go back to Nepal, where I was absolutely free, where I could breath.

new oblivion appocolypse

funny how you stop writing when you are in unhappy relationships...unrelated to the following note...

when you are living several years with a person who is dying, literally, not just growing old, you start to expect and rationalize that moment when things will change. how many hospital visits does it require before you are numb to the thought of death? how many years of walking that line before you no longer see the difference in the shade versus in the sun?

i have never been given a life sentence. my eta of transition has always been in the hands of an untold future. i have always felt it is a better choice, to not make those choices for myself or other people. For the past six years or so I have been living with my Grandmother, who I believe was only happily alive for two of those years. She has recently been transitioned into a skilled nursing center. Now, six months into that, she was denied her final surgery, a last hope to give her some retrieval of freedom. She was actually recommended for hospice care. So at last, something I have been bringing myself to face for years now is finally being confirmed.  At first, I didn't even believe the fus of every visit to the hospital. My Grandmother knew she was dying. She would have fits of panic over this. I don't believe she ever accepted the truth of her own mortality. All her efforts to have this surgery were just an attempt at bionic life, free from the pain she was experiencing, saved by science. But she is dying, and it is coming sooner. I can't help but hate the part of myself that delt with this years ago. The part of me that knows everyone's place is temporary. There is a part of me that wishes she could live forever, if only for her own content. But at some point, wouldn't she also be unhappy with that, as is her nature?